"Do you think you will be a good mother?"
Hm, what a question....
But somebody may pose this question to you girl! My good friend once asked me this question....
Will I not be a good mother only because once I decided not to have children? Or because I from time to time tell you that I can't have children around for more than two hours or so? Or what...?
Of course I will be a good m other if ever I have the chance or decide to be one!!
Motherhood for me is a gift, special gift for EVERY woman. This means, every woman potencially is a good mother for her children and even children all over the world. But whether a woman likes to become a mother or not is a different story. It is call right!
Yes, my dear sisters....it is your right to decide as whether you like to become a mother or not, mother of your own (biological) children or OF other people's children!
But SOMEBODY QUESTIONS YOU as whether or not you will be a good mother? wait a minute...Unless the world defines it differently, then it is my belief that every woman is potencially a good mother. Somebody may challenge you by askling you as what you will say that everyday we read in the newspaper that a mother has abused her own children, or that a mother has abandoned her baby....
My response: if a mother ever comes to a decision as to abandone her own child this means she has reached a state where she can no longer carry the heavy burden and tension and pressure the male-dominated world is continously pushing over her...
I invite you to try to look at it closer! Then I believe you will look at it differently...
What do you think? Post you comments please...
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
A Friend
What is a friend for you?
A friend for me is somebody whom I trust fully, to whom I can open up myself, share my laughter and my tears too, share stories and seek for advise, who can challenge my opinions freely but also support me whenever I need her/him. But that definition only is not enough, because s/he should also equally have the same definition with you. Means, s/he should also regards me the same way I regards her/him. S/he will make me sombody whom s/he can share her laughters, tears, seek for advice, let me challenge her/him and provide her/him my full support whenever s/he needs me. Friends are equal in giving and receiving... Friends are equal to each other...
Why I am writing about this simple topic? Hmm.... long story. But to keep it short, so far, I thought I had many friends all over the world. I kept telling myself that. The truth is I have been lying to myself. No, if I have to use the definition above, then I have to come to conclusion that there are very few...
I think am in crisis now: on the one hand I find myself constantly withdrawing myself from my old circumtance where I was the centre of attention, where everybody seemed to be a friend to me. I often try to find an excuse not to meet them and be bothered with "many simple, boring issues" (I am sorry, but this is my honest feeling). At first I felt guilty, really. I feel like avoiding them and becoming very selfish. But I can't resist to this inner force "I need to be left alone" or "I am bored to be somebody to always be listened to, or be sought after for my opinion".. Stop it! I am sorry my friends.... But I just want to be honest, first with myself, and then with you too.
Now, I think I must say that I have never been good friend for you. I was only either good, kind, understanding, caring boss or somebody who felt responsible for other people's lives. And now I am tired of that role! I am tired to be somebody who had the last words; tired to be somebody who always appeared to be strong. No, I too am just human being like you: weak, boresome, having lots of problems too (sometimes even heavier than that of yours). I need somebody to challenge me too.
But on the other hand, I find myself from time to time, so lonely. This feeling is coming and going (like the spinal problem I have hehe...). I started having it when I saw how my mum was struggling with her sickness... Suddenly a lonely feeling struck me. I feel soooo sad to realize that I have very few people whom I can call real friends as such; somebody who stands equal to me! Whom I miss her/his company whenever I am feeling alone.
It was already surprising to me to find that I actually have only very few names from the long list. More surprising is to find that among these few, more are foreigners who live far away in the Philippines, Germany, Switzerland (curse me for this this, but again, I am just trying to be honest)...
Now I am writing for this special person, one among these few:
If you read this, I hope you understand as why I raise this issue that evening; why I came to that fear. A fear to later discover that it was only an illusion to call you as friend as such. For you are only a nice, kind, caring boss... everything that takes place between the two of us is simply derived from that patern: kind, nice-responsible and sensible boss to his employee. But I think it wasn't only from that background that brought me to come to that conclusion but also to some conditions where it is only me who opens up my -self to you. It is an unequal relationship where I only take and never give and you only give and never take. History is repeating in itself.... That is my biggest fear. But you dissagreed with me....
So this is my struggle right now. For anybody who reads this. I hope this short writing can help you too to clarify who your friends are after all, or as whether you are a good friend for these people or not. But please be free too to write your comments. Your opinions and challenges are most welcome here.
Welcome to my small yard.
A friend for me is somebody whom I trust fully, to whom I can open up myself, share my laughter and my tears too, share stories and seek for advise, who can challenge my opinions freely but also support me whenever I need her/him. But that definition only is not enough, because s/he should also equally have the same definition with you. Means, s/he should also regards me the same way I regards her/him. S/he will make me sombody whom s/he can share her laughters, tears, seek for advice, let me challenge her/him and provide her/him my full support whenever s/he needs me. Friends are equal in giving and receiving... Friends are equal to each other...
Why I am writing about this simple topic? Hmm.... long story. But to keep it short, so far, I thought I had many friends all over the world. I kept telling myself that. The truth is I have been lying to myself. No, if I have to use the definition above, then I have to come to conclusion that there are very few...
I think am in crisis now: on the one hand I find myself constantly withdrawing myself from my old circumtance where I was the centre of attention, where everybody seemed to be a friend to me. I often try to find an excuse not to meet them and be bothered with "many simple, boring issues" (I am sorry, but this is my honest feeling). At first I felt guilty, really. I feel like avoiding them and becoming very selfish. But I can't resist to this inner force "I need to be left alone" or "I am bored to be somebody to always be listened to, or be sought after for my opinion".. Stop it! I am sorry my friends.... But I just want to be honest, first with myself, and then with you too.
Now, I think I must say that I have never been good friend for you. I was only either good, kind, understanding, caring boss or somebody who felt responsible for other people's lives. And now I am tired of that role! I am tired to be somebody who had the last words; tired to be somebody who always appeared to be strong. No, I too am just human being like you: weak, boresome, having lots of problems too (sometimes even heavier than that of yours). I need somebody to challenge me too.
But on the other hand, I find myself from time to time, so lonely. This feeling is coming and going (like the spinal problem I have hehe...). I started having it when I saw how my mum was struggling with her sickness... Suddenly a lonely feeling struck me. I feel soooo sad to realize that I have very few people whom I can call real friends as such; somebody who stands equal to me! Whom I miss her/his company whenever I am feeling alone.
It was already surprising to me to find that I actually have only very few names from the long list. More surprising is to find that among these few, more are foreigners who live far away in the Philippines, Germany, Switzerland (curse me for this this, but again, I am just trying to be honest)...
Now I am writing for this special person, one among these few:
If you read this, I hope you understand as why I raise this issue that evening; why I came to that fear. A fear to later discover that it was only an illusion to call you as friend as such. For you are only a nice, kind, caring boss... everything that takes place between the two of us is simply derived from that patern: kind, nice-responsible and sensible boss to his employee. But I think it wasn't only from that background that brought me to come to that conclusion but also to some conditions where it is only me who opens up my -self to you. It is an unequal relationship where I only take and never give and you only give and never take. History is repeating in itself.... That is my biggest fear. But you dissagreed with me....
So this is my struggle right now. For anybody who reads this. I hope this short writing can help you too to clarify who your friends are after all, or as whether you are a good friend for these people or not. But please be free too to write your comments. Your opinions and challenges are most welcome here.
Welcome to my small yard.
A picture of one night life on Nias
Last night I came home late (or early?) o1.o1 wet expected as I rod my botorbike under the rain.
It was a farewell party of 2 german friends who ended their contract on Nias.
At first I decided not to be at the party but rather had a real talk before they leave for good. That's the reasons why i was there at 4 pm (and the party would start on at 21. hrs or so). Here are some stories i would like to share with you here. Just to give you a piece of a picture about life on Nias nowadays....
I had 4 hrs uninterrupted story of this friend of mine's depression, frustration, but also pride for the whole struggle he had been through. Started from the corruption case of Muzöi which really a big mess that he had to fire many of so-called good friends of his (only now I heard the complete story) to his frustration in dealing with ADB in their project in Nisel, to his frustration with UNHCR, the Bupati and the Military…, some classic stories about the UN agencies and their structures and (the behaviors) of their staff, but also his frustration with the internal structure of his organization (for ethical reason I won't put the name of his organization). Also his struggle he had with his predeccesor... (but it was good to hear that they are now in a very good relationship, good friendship). It would be sad for me because i know them both well..
And he started smoking whit, marijuana …. He offered me of course, and well, thanks god/dess, i am very good in mastering my will. I have quit from smoking any smoking (cigarrete, cigar, cigarrillos, or this m... which I only had once in Aceh).
But in the end I agreed to stay for some times for the party.
And then the party started at 21.30 or so. It was where:
- expats could release all their stress over the work through drinking, smoking, dancing, non-sense talks
- the tensions between bules and local staff is loosened a bit as they shared the floor and sometimes drinks from the same bottles, no more boss and staff...
- You can release your stress by flirting with either other expats or local staff and probably have some long night or probably even longer relationship (like some mixed-couples who were there at the party)
- immediately you realized, a big change has taken place on this island: you see these young women, some of them are Niasan, enjoying themselves on the floor: dancing while smoking and drinking at the same time, yelling.... I have mixed feelings here over these women… I know it was a taste of freedom they had never imagined before, it was a good experience for them, but at the same time it was not a good way of learning about what freedom is. But none to blem of course. I hope they know what they are doing, and not just imitating these foreigners…
At first I planned to leave soon the party started, but instead I stayed until mid-night. L.. kept asking me to stay little longer whener he sawwanted to give a farewel hug. And he asked me to dance with him with his two sticks under his armpits…(he got accident on his right toe that he needs these two sticks to helm him moving)
Then I know he was already hanging over a bit… he had the whit, and some rums, and I don’t know how many bottles of big bintang. He started talking like a drunk man would: asking my affirmation as whether he deserve to be proud with his work in Hiligawoni or not.
I managed to have two bintangs only, and had some sips from his bottle whenever he asked me to take another bottle in company for him.
I left mid night before I really got drunk (because I had to drive motorbike under the rain…)
The party continued till morning when (usually people started to vommit due to too much drinking).
Just a piece of picture... But promised, i will give more pictures whenever I can. this will also help me to have a rather comprehensive picture of what Nias becoming today and in the future.... But it also give me another picture of NGOs and people...
It was a farewell party of 2 german friends who ended their contract on Nias.
At first I decided not to be at the party but rather had a real talk before they leave for good. That's the reasons why i was there at 4 pm (and the party would start on at 21. hrs or so). Here are some stories i would like to share with you here. Just to give you a piece of a picture about life on Nias nowadays....
I had 4 hrs uninterrupted story of this friend of mine's depression, frustration, but also pride for the whole struggle he had been through. Started from the corruption case of Muzöi which really a big mess that he had to fire many of so-called good friends of his (only now I heard the complete story) to his frustration in dealing with ADB in their project in Nisel, to his frustration with UNHCR, the Bupati and the Military…, some classic stories about the UN agencies and their structures and (the behaviors) of their staff, but also his frustration with the internal structure of his organization (for ethical reason I won't put the name of his organization). Also his struggle he had with his predeccesor... (but it was good to hear that they are now in a very good relationship, good friendship). It would be sad for me because i know them both well..
And he started smoking whit, marijuana …. He offered me of course, and well, thanks god/dess, i am very good in mastering my will. I have quit from smoking any smoking (cigarrete, cigar, cigarrillos, or this m... which I only had once in Aceh).
But in the end I agreed to stay for some times for the party.
And then the party started at 21.30 or so. It was where:
- expats could release all their stress over the work through drinking, smoking, dancing, non-sense talks
- the tensions between bules and local staff is loosened a bit as they shared the floor and sometimes drinks from the same bottles, no more boss and staff...
- You can release your stress by flirting with either other expats or local staff and probably have some long night or probably even longer relationship (like some mixed-couples who were there at the party)
- immediately you realized, a big change has taken place on this island: you see these young women, some of them are Niasan, enjoying themselves on the floor: dancing while smoking and drinking at the same time, yelling.... I have mixed feelings here over these women… I know it was a taste of freedom they had never imagined before, it was a good experience for them, but at the same time it was not a good way of learning about what freedom is. But none to blem of course. I hope they know what they are doing, and not just imitating these foreigners…
At first I planned to leave soon the party started, but instead I stayed until mid-night. L.. kept asking me to stay little longer whener he sawwanted to give a farewel hug. And he asked me to dance with him with his two sticks under his armpits…(he got accident on his right toe that he needs these two sticks to helm him moving)
Then I know he was already hanging over a bit… he had the whit, and some rums, and I don’t know how many bottles of big bintang. He started talking like a drunk man would: asking my affirmation as whether he deserve to be proud with his work in Hiligawoni or not.
I managed to have two bintangs only, and had some sips from his bottle whenever he asked me to take another bottle in company for him.
I left mid night before I really got drunk (because I had to drive motorbike under the rain…)
The party continued till morning when (usually people started to vommit due to too much drinking).
Just a piece of picture... But promised, i will give more pictures whenever I can. this will also help me to have a rather comprehensive picture of what Nias becoming today and in the future.... But it also give me another picture of NGOs and people...
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
My dream of a little yard
I am a journeyer... journeying throught hills and valeys of life, sometimes crossing rivers too. I always feel so exicted to start my new journey, no matter whether I have been to the place once or twice or many times or if the destination is at all new for me. I always believe that I will always find something new once I start my journey. I have visited more than a dozen countries in the world (Asia, Africa, Europe) and seen and learned many interesting things, all about life.
From there I look at the world like a very large yard...., with different flowers of different colors and different seasons and other plants on it... , with all the bees and insect and birds and butterflies too...
what a beautiful to see them blossoming some are at the same time other some are at other times and still other some are at other times. All have their own times and spaces and all are beautiful. Then we can call it park or garden... it is more lively when we see that there are also people in the park admiring the beauty of the park on the yard, keeping it to stay the way they are.
Someday I will be getting old and incapable of traveling ....
So it is my dream to have a small yard of my own where I can also have different inviting flowers where the bees, caterpillars, dragonflires, buterlfies and people too will feel free to come and enjoy the little yard of mine. Where all creatures can share the space together and share stories and feel the connecteness.
That is my dream.... simple isn;t it?
I am inviting you who have same dream as mine to please come and visit me. You are also free to contribute to plant your favorite flowers on my little yard...
Welcome to my yard, Marcia's yard.
Anna Marsiana
From there I look at the world like a very large yard...., with different flowers of different colors and different seasons and other plants on it... , with all the bees and insect and birds and butterflies too...
what a beautiful to see them blossoming some are at the same time other some are at other times and still other some are at other times. All have their own times and spaces and all are beautiful. Then we can call it park or garden... it is more lively when we see that there are also people in the park admiring the beauty of the park on the yard, keeping it to stay the way they are.
Someday I will be getting old and incapable of traveling ....
So it is my dream to have a small yard of my own where I can also have different inviting flowers where the bees, caterpillars, dragonflires, buterlfies and people too will feel free to come and enjoy the little yard of mine. Where all creatures can share the space together and share stories and feel the connecteness.
That is my dream.... simple isn;t it?
I am inviting you who have same dream as mine to please come and visit me. You are also free to contribute to plant your favorite flowers on my little yard...
Welcome to my yard, Marcia's yard.
Anna Marsiana
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